IF you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1

IF you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2

IF you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

IF you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are, and what you want. Please stay on the line so we can trace your call.

IF you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

IF you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer anyway.

IF you have a sexual dysfunction, please press 1-900, and Bridgette will respond.

Note bene: This comes from one of my yellowing pile of clippings accumulated over the years. No author and no date. Just enduring humor. If you happen to know who authored this, please tell me. Thanks.